Running From the Voices of My Past

Isn't it interesting how our pasts have such a large affect on our thoughts and actions in the present? Unfortunately it's usually in a negative capacity. There exists this little voice inside of me that has the power to completely over rule my ability to think logically. Take for example when I was recovering the flu, as soon as the symptoms started to lessen I was back to the gym. As soon as I could run without coughing I started running again. It didn't seem to matter that everyone told me I needed to let my body heal, there was that voice telling me that this was just an obstacle and the old me would have let it get in the way, but I wasn't gonna do that this time. What happened? I got sick again. But it wasn't that bad right? Just some kidney pain... that shouldn't affect my running... I had a half marathon approaching at breakneck speed after all.

So last Wednesday I got up early and went for a run. I couldn't run for more than a minute without needing to walk. I felt terrible the rest of the day and could barely keep my eyes open. I was so angry at myself, I felt like I should have been able to push myself harder, if I could just change my mindset maybe I'd find the strength to run harder. Luckily I had a friend who told me what an idiot I was being and it made me stop and think long enough to realize that my body was screaming at me that it was doing all it possibly could to heal itself and I wasn't helping matters. So I stopped running for a week and guess what? I had the best run ever tonight. I ran four miles with no problems and I could have run another two, luckily this time that voice in my head told me to stop and I actually listened. For once it took more willpower to stop then to push myself harder.

Our days are filled with the voices of our past. Whether it be our own voice or the voices of those around us. Some are positive and they remind us of the right thing to do in a certain situation. Others prey on our deepest insecurities to the point where we lose our ability to think logically and all we want to do is prove it wrong. We have this need to prove that we're changing and evolving and learning from past mistakes. This doesn't have to be a bad thing as long as we remember all things must exist in moderation... a balance between determination and logic. Listen to more than just that one voice, listen to your friends and family who have your best interests at heart and most importantly listen to your own voice... here and now. Your current voice knows far more about the person you have become then the voices of your past.

Just Call Me Alice

I've only seen Alice in Wonderland once in my life. As a child it scared the crap out of me and I have had no desire to repeat the experience. Thank fully there exists a fantastical time wasting website called stumbleupon.com which is where I found this lovely exchange between Alice and the Cheshire Cat.

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?' asked Alice.
`That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
`I don't much care where--' said Alice.
`Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
`--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.
`Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, `if you only walk long enough.'"

Bloody brilliant cat. Like most things in life, the correct answer to our hardest questions is often the simplest. When you don't know where you want to end up then it doesn't matter what path you take to get there.
Growing up we are taught to have dreams, everyone asks what do you want to be when you grow up. I'm not so sure this is a good idea. It leads a child to believe that they have to have a destination in mind for their life and take the correct steps in order to get there. However, if you are like me and don't know what that destination is then your stuck blindfolded at the starting line afraid to take a step forward for fear that you might step in a direction that won't get you to the finish line. All you can say is to hell with the finish line, spread your arms wide and start spinning till you get too dizzy and stop. At this point your going to have to wait for the world to stop spinning too... and make no mistake your world will be spinning. This perfect world you've built for yourself up till now, always doing what was expected of you will spin right off it's axis because now all that matters is what you expect of yourself. Then you take that first step and open your eyes and take in everything this path has to offer you.
I'd like to be able to say that the first step on my path was something selfless like volunteering in a soup kitchen or reading to the blind, but alas this was not the case. I got a gym membership and a personal trainer. Andrea is a bubbly 5'4" blond trainer who takes great pleasure in kicking my ass on a weekly basis... and I love it. Anyone that knows me would attest to the fact that I'm not athletically inclined on any level, with the exception of a brief stint on a peewee roller hockey team I have never competed in any team sports and with good reason... I'm a klutz. So I was quite surprised when I found out I loved working out. I loved getting stronger, building up my endurance, and becoming altogether healthier and it turns out I influenced my family to make some healthier choices too.
So what did I learn in my first foray into the unknown? First, when the trainer asks you if it's too light never say yes. Second, go into every situation with an open mind and an open heart. I could have gone off past experiences and decided that I was just never going to be athletic. Instead I thought this time might be different and it was. No two situations are exactly the same and sometimes that one change no matter how small is enough to make all the difference. However, if it's still not right all you have to do is put the blindfold back on and start spinning. Lastly, that first path has a way of leading to another...