The Ever Changing Surface

What words would you use to describe yourself? There's a myriad of words I've used over my life time... reader, shy, klutz, Christian, student, cowgirl, band geek, bio major. I wouldn't use any of these words to describe me now. Or would I? These are the words of my past.

Is my past not part of me?

It's our experiences that shape who we are at any given point in our lives. If you play a sport, you might call yourself an athlete. If you a play an instrument, a musician. But where do we draw the line, how do we know what actions are important enough to describe who we are. Just because you watch a movie doesn't necessarily make you film aficionado and listening to music doesn't automatically make you an audiophile. The truth is we choose who we are.

I always had this idea that who I am was predetermined the day I was born and I simply had to discover it. Like I was black box with a hole in the top and every thing that made me me was inside of it, but I couldn't see it. All I could do is reach my hand in and pull out one thing at a time and examine it. I imagine my self saying something like, "Huh, a book. I like books. I must be reader." I now realize how terrifying this idea is. It means there's a limit. Sooner or later I'll reach in and come back with nothing.

These days I have a very different outlook. I imagine myself reaching out for anything that interests me and examining it. I look at it's shape, color, texture and most importantly the way it makes me feel and then I make the decision whether it becomes a part of me or not. Oh and that container I store it in... it's no longer a black box with a small whole in the top. It's more like a clear vase so that others can see me too. Those words that I used to use to describe myself are in there, they're just clustered in the middle. I'm still a reader, a cowgirl, and a bio major; but my current words are plastered to the sides of the glass in a mosaic of sizes and patterns and colors.

My current words might be traveler, hop head, writer, gym rat, baker, aspiring yogi, and most recent... runner. This last word is the driving force behind new outlook. You see in a million years I would have never thought I would describe my self as a runner. If questioned I believe my old room mates would say there is nothing I hated more than running. I was pathetic in my attempts really... whining and complaining... and that was just the process of getting my shoes on. Yet here I am training for a half marathon in June. I've had knee problems, tendinitis and most recently four gigantic blisters (what idiot runs without socks anyway?) and yet I'm still running. Oddest of all? I'm enjoying it. That's not to say i'm particularly good at it, but the process of improving and pushing myself and exceeding my expectations is exhilarating.

George Bernard Shaw said, "Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

Oddly enough I found that quote while in the process of writing this. Like just now. How crazy is that? How crazy is life? It has so much to offer as long as we're willing to reach out for it. Whether that becomes a part of who you are is up to you. So stop finding yourself... it's too limiting. Create your own mosaic and don't forget that the surface of the glass is ever changing if you allow it to be. It's okay for your words to shift to the interior and make room for new ones; they'll always be a part of you.

Just Call Me Alice

I've only seen Alice in Wonderland once in my life. As a child it scared the crap out of me and I have had no desire to repeat the experience. Thank fully there exists a fantastical time wasting website called stumbleupon.com which is where I found this lovely exchange between Alice and the Cheshire Cat.

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?' asked Alice.
`That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
`I don't much care where--' said Alice.
`Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
`--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.
`Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, `if you only walk long enough.'"

Bloody brilliant cat. Like most things in life, the correct answer to our hardest questions is often the simplest. When you don't know where you want to end up then it doesn't matter what path you take to get there.
Growing up we are taught to have dreams, everyone asks what do you want to be when you grow up. I'm not so sure this is a good idea. It leads a child to believe that they have to have a destination in mind for their life and take the correct steps in order to get there. However, if you are like me and don't know what that destination is then your stuck blindfolded at the starting line afraid to take a step forward for fear that you might step in a direction that won't get you to the finish line. All you can say is to hell with the finish line, spread your arms wide and start spinning till you get too dizzy and stop. At this point your going to have to wait for the world to stop spinning too... and make no mistake your world will be spinning. This perfect world you've built for yourself up till now, always doing what was expected of you will spin right off it's axis because now all that matters is what you expect of yourself. Then you take that first step and open your eyes and take in everything this path has to offer you.
I'd like to be able to say that the first step on my path was something selfless like volunteering in a soup kitchen or reading to the blind, but alas this was not the case. I got a gym membership and a personal trainer. Andrea is a bubbly 5'4" blond trainer who takes great pleasure in kicking my ass on a weekly basis... and I love it. Anyone that knows me would attest to the fact that I'm not athletically inclined on any level, with the exception of a brief stint on a peewee roller hockey team I have never competed in any team sports and with good reason... I'm a klutz. So I was quite surprised when I found out I loved working out. I loved getting stronger, building up my endurance, and becoming altogether healthier and it turns out I influenced my family to make some healthier choices too.
So what did I learn in my first foray into the unknown? First, when the trainer asks you if it's too light never say yes. Second, go into every situation with an open mind and an open heart. I could have gone off past experiences and decided that I was just never going to be athletic. Instead I thought this time might be different and it was. No two situations are exactly the same and sometimes that one change no matter how small is enough to make all the difference. However, if it's still not right all you have to do is put the blindfold back on and start spinning. Lastly, that first path has a way of leading to another...